What about our relationships regarding secure energies ? Especially in the concept of twin flames!
Ex-chaser myself, this is a theme that I only know too well! And I really wanted to share all of this information, which may confirm your evolution or put you on the path of healing.
A traumatic link
Often we concentrate and are attracted to people who resonate with our most traumatic beliefs about ourselves.
In the case of the abandonment wound, they are people who check everything: they neglect us, do not recognize our needs or our emotions, only love 20 to 30% of what we are (never 100%). .
In the dynamics of twin flames, we therefore have in front of the “Chaser” wounded by abandonment, a profile called “Runner” which loves what the Chaser brings to her/him but does not love the “Chaser” as a whole.
The contribution of the systematic theory goes in the same direction: a “Chaser” gives his/her love without condition, to an abusive system (unconsciously abusive of course).
In practice, the Chaser, to be loved, will then start an energetic and emotional drainage in favor of her/his other. Always offering him/her what the other wants from her/him, but rarely filling the love expectations of the Chaser.
The emotional force is then intense. Very intense.
And because it is so intense, we identify with it : the more what we feel is strong, the more we believe that it is true.
Emotions climb therefore very high and descend very low!
Now, it is our unconscious who speaks and who tells us that it prefers this kind of strong emotions, to a reassuring relationships that we will find flat in comparison (without emotional high and low, and without butterflies in the belly for example).
WHY ?
Because we do not know how to operate in a reassuring, healthy, benevolent and respectful atmosphere. It is not familiar.
The big emotional eights, that yes, we know! And we know how to manage that perfectly. We know how it works even if it’s suffering.
Thus the twin flame is a complementary person, yes … but in terms of traumatic links that make us replay the first human relations that injured us so much!
Obsessions
We are obsessed with these kinds of people.
Often, we only want this person (and only this one) and that they recognize us and love us 100%.
Because that would cancel everything that our parents/educators made us believe.
Love (absolute and unconditional!) of this person, who has the same behaviors as our parents/educators at the time, became a lifeline.
An out of reach one, because his/her own traumas will prevent her/him from loving 100% a person with the needs of an unhealed abandonment wound.
We did not choose it at random, this person, twin, flame, “our other” … who resonates with all our traumas. It is an unconscious choice.
And so, the vicious circle sets up! Thoughts are obsessing and we replay the emotions of our past in a loop.
Questions for journaling
But it is also a great chance, to get in search of healing.
For this purpose, take the time to answer, in writing, to these questions:
- Make a list of people who place you safe and those who obsess you.
- What do you feel in the body with people who trigger obsessive thoughts?
- Which ones of your needs were met by them ? How often ?
- What do you feel in the body with secure people?
- Which ones of your needs were met by them ? How often ?
- Make a list of the facts and realities of the obsessive people, faced with their words or your beliefs and intuitions on them.
- Do the same for the secure people of your life.
Remember that obsessive thoughts (the mind that never stops its activity!) are caused by cognitive dissonances (a reality different from our beliefs/intuitions).
Also recognize the signals of your body that alert you when you are in an atmosphere of traumatic reminders, or on the contrary reassuring.
Quickly break the vicious circles waiting for recognition! As soon as obsessive thoughts arise, redo the lists above in order to clearly see the dissonances between actions and verbs; and how it resonates with your need that these people recognize and love you.
We cannot get out of it unless we start by becoming aware of it.
It also involves being proud of oneself, giving recognition to yourself, regaining your “belly strength” and your posture of affirmation …
And of course, choose to surround yourself with secure people!
To immerse yourself in the reassuring relationships (where the partner has patience with the traumas of the other and love her/him 100%) and learn the new codes of respectful relationship (that is to say, to reprogram), I have some immersive experiences for you (yours are welcome, do not hesitate to share them and share with us your own favorite one!)
- Romans (adult audience only!) : A court of thorns and roses by S. J. Maas (notably volumes 1 and 2); Hades and Persephone by Scarlet St Clair; The blood and ash by J. L. Armentrout (and his other series, a shadow in the embers)
- All audiences: Belladona by A. Grace. ; Pride and prejudices by Jane Austen (in films too …)
- Series: Many kdramas (Korean dramas) show love respect at its top! My Demon; True Beauty; … are must.
