I needed to experience several years of a respectful romantic relationship to open my eyes to the toxic behaviors that were imposed on me.
In the name of blood.
In the name of “the family which must support itself”.
Where everything always only went in one direction: accepting the nauseating words and actions, without repeating them to those around you.
A few years ago, I dared to cut ties. Yes! Hooray! But what about since then? Because that’s what’s interesting, isn’t it? What happened next.
Since then, I’ve gone through many emotional waves… And then I realized that cutting ties wasn’t the hardest part of the process.
So yes, the chaos and endless drama… were over. At the end !
And it was this dead calm that followed, precisely, which was a real inner upheaval. Because the peace I felt… bored me!
This feeling was not unknown to me. It was the same uncomfortable “boredom” that I had felt at the beginning of my romantic relationship… because feeling so secure was strange to me…
That’s how it is when you’ve spent your life in chaos.
In fact, we are so unaccustomed to living in a healthy and serene atmosphere that we almost plunge back into the storm… because the storm had become our comfort zone.
And discovering this is very disturbing.
“Being bored” in respectful relationships is actually a traumatic response.
The child we were only saw difficult, chaotic relationships that respected no limits. Subconsciously, we think this is what all our relationships should be like.
The sad thing about all of this is that without this degree of chaos, it seems to us that our relationships lack tension and intensity.
For the first time in our lives, we have in front of us a person who respects us. Who hears our limits and does not cross them. Who doesn’t get angry at a no and who understands. Who even asks what we feel!
The mixture is then perfect to allow the flowering of the being that we are and who had to live hidden until then so as not to create more violence around him, because of a word. Or an expression on our face.
“Boredom” also means no longer having obsessive thoughts about certain people. To rehash their inconsistent words and actions because nothing was logical about them!
It’s the discrepancy that creates the obsession.
Our brain actually enters into cognitive dissonance and tries to put the pieces together to find meaning in the puzzle: “I am told that I am loved or I am told that a family must support each other and yet I am being hurt (and the actor will never apologize).”
The truth is, we don’t obsess over people treating us well.
Even though we want them with all our hearts, respectful relationships turn into a challenge for victims of abuse.
And it will take time to… I was going to write “get used to it”. But this is indeed healing.
I’m not talking about a few weeks or a few months. This will be counted in years! And it will be exciting!
All these discoveries will finally make sense to your brain. It will free itself from so much cognitive dissonances that you have transformed you into a very anxious person (with tendencies to overthink, to not tolerate change, etc.)
And in my case, it was to regain my sovereignty, my total discernment and my intuition… and to marvel at the small details of nature that I could not observe, as long as my brain was absorbed by the toxicity of some relatives.