When I look at the events of my life for 1 year, I feel like I have run a real obstacle course (not the nice hedge race that bends when you touch it, but rather a bush Prickly roses.)
5 deaths have punctuated our lives.
Plus a catastrophic house purchase (with a landlord who suddenly decides not to sell when we have already started the end of the the location, then he comes again when we started buying another house … all with notaries and lawyers!), and the renovation of the house in accelerated because all these turns made us fall behind.
Short. Stormy Year …
The last mourning, was the worst.
When we finally felt at home, everything was calm, our dog was crushed while my children held it on a leash (I was not there and I still do not know how it is possible … they were not alone, under the supervision of their dad who did not understand anything either!)
Since she came to us, we lived a little symbiosis … glued almost 24 hours a day.
And suddenly, a great void.
I know you can smile by saying that it’s an animal, and not a child for example (and I lived in a family that was hurt by the loss of a child so I know what it is) yet the pain has not diminished.
And because I seek the reason for all the events that surround me, I needed to understand the meaning of it.
There, holding the box of its ashes, it seemed to me that there had to be a reason. It could not have been otherwise.
During a crying meditation, I perceive a bit of response: to work on one of my karma.
Karma has for me 2 facets. A simple facet (when I take a branch in the eye, for example, 1 hour after a somewhat unfair dispute with husband or child, well, BAM, I say, it’s karma!) and an other one, a more complex facet, the one that surrounds our multiple lives.
If you are not of this belief, you can always continue to read me and smiling and making fun of me. It does not bother me …
For I have only one memory of a previous life … and it is that of my death (yeaaaaaah !) For short: I had under my orders young people (between 16 and 20 years I will say) and we are all dead drowned in that I can do anything to save them (and for those who know karma thoroughly, yes, I have asthma following this drowning and I am claustrophobic because it was in a closed boat, didn’t I said : yeaaaaah super yeaaaaah ?!) And one of the formations of karma, is the strength of our last thought or our last judgment (it gives to think said like that, right?)
My last thought was extremely strong in terms of guilt and injustice.
In this life, in addition to being claustrophobic and asthmatic, I am also angry when I find myself facing unfair facts. So I had to remove the TV and I had to unsubscribe from all these supports to petition like change.org … to receive the pain of the whole world in my mailbox !
With the departure of my little wild dog, I renewed with another part of my karma: to feel responsible to the extreme of the people who depend on me, their health, their well-being. Not only responsible but beyond. I go as far as total sacrifice.
This is probably one of the reasons why I decided to homeschooled my 2.
This is also why I feel so responsible for the death of Gaia. For 1 month I feel guilty (at the hard-sleep-stage).
I hurt myself by drowning in the “and if”.
Three days ago, I understood all that. I realized I was hurting myself. And I understood that I was not responsible for everything that happens on Earth. That my traveling companions are responsible for their own lives. That I can not all wear them on my shoulders …
Three days ago, I let go of this burden.
I immediately lightened.
I understood that I could help them. That I could take care of my animals. But that I was not hyper-responsible for them.
Taking care of them is again a pleasure.
And all this awareness is thanks to her.
Thank you for everything you gave me in your life. And of all that you have given me by your death.
I will honor the lesson, because the cost has been so high for you and me.